Talking to Parents About Unsafe Driving

I love my car. I love the freedom. I love rolling down the window and listening to the Seattle Mariner baseball, or just knowing I could drive to the store a newspaper or cup of coffee anytime I feel like it. It’s kind of part of being a man. But what happens when my reflexes slow down, when my vision and hearing worsen, and when I get confused at those new roundabouts that all the kids drive way too fast through? Who’ll have the nerve to tell me I’m not safe anymore and ask for my car keys? One of the toughest issues a grown child can face is telling a parent that they are no longer safe to drive.

“How do I get dad to stop driving?”

This is a question I am asked a lot by families who are torn between honoring their parent’s wishes and stepping into the unfamiliar role of parenting their parent. There is fear on both sides. Driving can be the final hold an older person feels they have on independent living. Especially for older men, driving is seen as part and parcel of adulthood. Imagine your feelings of loss and isolation if you were asked to give up such a central piece of your identity. Now imagine it is your own kid doing the asking.

From the adult child’s perspective there is fear of humiliating their parent or being confronted with anger and denial when bringing up unsafe driving. A resident I know at an assisted living community still refers to his three daughters as, “The One in Seattle, the One in Bellingham, and the One Who Took My Car Away.”

I have found that extreme reactions such as these to be the exception though, especially when the discussion is handled with tact, humor, and respect. Keeping them part of the discussion and decision making is an absolute must. Our parents are often tougher and more resilient than we give them credit for. As a generation, they certainly understand shared responsibility and sacrificing for the greater good. Hurting another person is the last thing any of our parents would want.

How to Start the Talk

Don’t put it off! By starting the discussion with the first warning signs of unsafe driving there will be more options available, and more chances for the senior to make decisions and stay in control. Start by asking questions, not by making demands. Questions are just questions, not accusations, and leave the senior in control. Examples of good starters are:

Does traffic make you nervous?

Is it harder to see and drive at night?

Are you ever frightened when you drive?

Have you had any close calls?

Once your concerns are out on the table, there are several steps that families can take together short of taking the keys. Children, caregivers, and friends should play a vital role in helping older drivers maintain independence while driving less and more safely. And independence, not driving, is really what it is all about. Here are some ideas:

1. Look at ways of lessening the need to drive:

• Car pool! Invite mom along for your Saturday Costco run. Offer to pick her up on the way to church.
• Check out alternatives to shopping by car. Keep a supple of mail order catalogs on hand. Many grocery stores and pharmacies offer home delivery options.
• Help your parent sign up for specialized transportation through Whatcom Transit Authority. They provide door to door service throughout the county. Call (360) 733-1144 to signup.
• Use financial services that don’t require bank visits, like automatic bill paying, direct deposit, and bank-by-phone or on-line banking services.
• It may be time to talk about the benefits of a retirement or assisted living community. Most have transportation services available.

2. Reduce their sense of isolation:

• Arrange for friends and relatives to visit regularly.
• Invite them to family events, kids ballgames, social events, and provide the transportation.
• This is another benefit of a retirement or assisted living setting.

3. To help with safe driving, get them to consider:

• Taking a driver refresher course sponsored by AARP. You might even get an insurance discount for attending.
• Not driving at night
• Getting their vision checked and updating their prescription
• Not driving on busy thoroughfares or during peak hours
• Getting a wide angle rear view mirror
• Not driving in tough weather conditions

Remember, it is important to get the older driver involved in exploring these issues through open and frank conversations. This builds a sense of personal control and lays the groundwork for responsible decisions.

If all else fails

Most older adults will surrender their keys when the time comes, especially if they have been involved in the decision making along the way and additional supports have been put in place. Sometimes though, due to poor insight from dementia, or just stubbornness, an older driver will continue to drive even when they have become a danger to themselves and others. In this case you may have to consider going to the Washington State Department of Licensing (DOL), which has a process for reviewing drivers reported as unsafe. A concerned person can simply complete a Recommendation for Driver Reexamination Form at any driver licensing office. The DOL does not take action on the basis of age alone, but considers the nature and of each concern individually. The DOL may require the senior to retake the road or written test, or require a medical or vision exam. Based on the results, they may then cancel the person’s license. The downside of this process is that in Washington these reports are not confidential, and your parent may find out who made the report. While that is quit a downside, the consequences of not acting could be even more severe.